- Holding on to a Wild, Merciful God -

Tags

camp life, death, trusting god

Three weeks ago we attended a service to honor the life of a friend who had passed away, after a two year battle with cancer.  For three weeks I have been trying to put into words what we experienced there.  It was the most tangible encounter of the Lord I believe we have ever been a part of.  How does one describe that moment when God is just there?

We met Ryan the first summer Jeff and I worked at camp.  He was the boys counselor at the ranch, the one where we would spend countless hours pouring into the lives of young campers, where we learned about being intentional and what it means to lean on the Lord when you have nothing left to give.  Jeff and Ryan clicked immediately as they both possessed an innate desire for adventure and confrontation.  Many nights they were up late talking about God and relationships.  The wisdom that poured out of such a young yet level-headed man still astounds me today.  He is deeply ingrained in the story of “us”, since it was that summer Jeff and I decided life was better when we were with one another.

Ryan was one of those people we just always felt close to, even from afar.  The journey his family has been on dealing with cancer and learning what it looks like to see life through an eternal lens has been inspiring and humbling.  We love him dearly and it was sad to see him taken from this world.  But the joy that we feel knowing our friend is now sitting at the feet of Jesus changes our perspective on death, and life.

That brief trip to Michigan was equal parts heavy and wonderful.  Ryan’s death brought together a group of friends who have a connection that can only be understood by those who have done the camp thing.  Something magical happens when you spend three months living day in and day out with other people.  You learn everything there is to know about them.  You learn how to encourage them in their strengths and how to confront them lovingly in their faults.  It’s a bond that could allow us to see folks we have rarely spoken to in the past nine years, yet gather and commune like no time has passed.

What I most readily held onto as we shared memories of camp, of Ryan, and talked about what God has been doing, is the reminder that the battle is won. God has won. He always wins.  It was evident there, in that service.  It was evident in the hearts of the people who came to show their love and support.  Those who celebrated Ryan’s life with joy and gave thanks to the Lord for the things He has done.  Something that Satan tried to use to crush the souls of many people, God made it for good.  God used this heart-wrenching tragedy to bring life to others.

The Lord is unpredictable and wild, yet merciful beyond compare.  Never before have I seen such truth revealed.  Through the life and death of a man, God showed His glory.  Thanks be to God.

The videos of the memorial service are posted on their blog.  I challenge you to take the time to watch.  And to allow yourself to be changed.

How do you trust a wild, untamed, merciful God?  That’s how.

- {Journey of Thanks} Week Something -

Today, He is enough.  Praise the Lord!

 

- {Journey of Thanks} Week Seven -

Tags

new deck, spring weather

Yes, I’m terribly behind on my “thanks” posts.  But there’s grace for that.  :)

Decks. Grills.  And spring weather.

+ Husbands who build decks and grill up killer pork chops.

 

- When God is Keeping Secrets -

Tags

adoption, family, finding peace, hearing God’s voice

Lately, I’ve been feeling more and more like a child. A child who wants something and refuses to back down until she has it.

An impatient one. Whiny. You know the type.

God’s keeping secrets from me and I feel like I’m going to burst. He’s up to something, He’s planning something, but He won’t tell me what it is.

I feel like a little girl watching my dad walk out the garage every night. He’s making something for me, I know it! I hear saws and drills and see flickering lights. I can’t help but watch through the window, I’m simply too excited. What could it be? A doll house? A table and chairs? Can’t I just have a peek?

Each time I get near, he laughs a bit and gently sends me away. It’s not time yet.

And the waiting is long. Not because I need this thing, whatever it is. Obviously, I’ve been living my life just fine without it. But the possibility of something new, something sweet to add to the joys in my life. It’s almost more than I can bear at times.

Recently, many doors seem to be closing and it’s all a bit confusing for us. We were created to be parents, right? Surely we were. It’s ingrained in us.

But it didn’t come the way we thought it would the first time around. No clear explanation has been found for that.

So we’ll adopt, we said. Adoption is great and something God surely wants us to do. We sent in our application one day in February 2011 and hoped to have our book together shortly after.  Then we had a fire, things got busy.  We finally had everything done in November, fully expecting to hear something within 6 to 9 months.  And now, we stop to consider the book we made, sitting at the agency, touched by many but chosen by no one. Not so much as a “maybe” phone call in 15 months.

Then we heard about the orphans in Haiti. We love Haiti, we’re connected to Haiti. Surely God wants us to adopt from Haiti. That must be it!  We don’t meet the requirements, but they sometimes make exceptions. Then, just last month new laws were passed, good laws – laws that we hope will take better care of those little ones. The laws said no exceptions.

So, what, Lord? What would you have us do? We have open arms and an open home. What else is there? Foster care, we said! Tiny babies need arms to hold them, to help their brains grow, to show them love. We can do that! Oh, but we can’t work with the state and our adoption agency?  Ok, well then a private agency. It’s perfect!  So we got the paperwork together, only a few more questions to fill out. Then we heard the office we were hoping to work with had closed, just a week before.

Today we’ve stopped. After all that, it’s a good time to stop and look around.  When you don’t know which way to turn, sometimes the best option is to stay put and wait for direction. We’ll spend time asking what the Lord would have us do. Perhaps, for just this moment, we are to do nothing. Just be. Maybe that’s it.

But how does one do nothing, when God is clearly up to something?

And like a child waiting on a surprise, I get restless. I ask tons of questions and guess at what my surprise might be. Sometimes, I ask God if He forgot. If He lost the directions somewhere or can’t find the right tool. Sometimes, I tell Him this or that will do – if I can just have it now. But He smiles and says He has something even better.

For those who are waiting, I cannot offer advice to make it easier. It’s too fresh, too real right now to see in that way. I hope someday to be able to share a gift that might help another pull through. Today, all I know is that the only way to hang on is to trust the One who gives good gifts. My earthly father would not spend hours in the garage and then give me a pile of dirt. He desires to give me so much more, he would give me the entire world. And the hands of my Heavenly Father are extended even further than that. So I know He’ll bring good things, I trust His promise.

One of the great challenges of my deeply flawed human mind is that I always look to the known. I believe that God will only use me in ways I feel prepared for. I may have this gift or that talent or knowledge about this thing. Automatically, I assume this is how He will use me. But I have given my life to the God of Abraham, the One who waited years and years to give him a son, later asked him to slaughter the boy like a lamb, and at the last minute provided the offering. He may have something planned that I have never experienced before, that has never crossed my mind, that I didn’t even know existed!

This scares the life out of me. How could God expect me to do something I know nothing about? I suppose that’s where His grace becomes enough, and where I learn to lean into the strength of His hands. It’s in this place where we would learn to fully rely on God, but do I really want to enter a world where my depravity is so harshly evident? Oddly, I think I do. Because I can trust Him. And His power is make perfect in my weakness.

So we journey on, cautious yet eager to see what is up ahead.  I don’t ask for pain to cease or the path to be made easy.  I only ask that in the darkest moments, He would not allow me to forget who He is.  That I would ever be confident of His presence.

Blessed are those who have nothing.  For to them, God can be everything.

- {Journey of Thanks} Week Six -

Bare feet on the Earth.  It’s magical.

- A Food Update and What it Takes to be Happy -

Tags

food sensitivities, joy

Today marks Day 12 since I started this crazy diet.  Honestly, it’s not so bad. Though I miss some foods terribly (like eggs, bacon, coffee, corn…), I still get to eat some tasty things.

One of the most difficult aspects is that I have not been feeling a whole lot better until recently.  For the first week, I still had a lot of the same symptoms, which was very disheartening.  I am excited to say the last two days have been great though.  And I have begun to add in more foods this week!  I’m hopeful it will be an uphill journey from here.

As would be expected, lessons are being learned through the process.  Not just about health and my body, I’m learning a lot about what it takes to be happy.

In the past, I thought happiness only came when there was something to look forward to.  If the week was just ordinary, what was there to be happy about? This has been a challenge for me.  And even more so without my beloved food, because it’s true – food makes me happy!

I used to struggle with gluttony when I was younger. Not the “oh wow, I ate too much” kind that makes us a bit uncomfortable after our Thanksgiving meal. It was something I felt strongly convicted about on a daily basis. Something I would pray about at night, asking forgiveness while knowing I was going to fall into the same trap the following day. It was going up to the cafeteria counter for thirds when I knew it was wrong but did not have the self-control to say no.  It may sound silly to some, but this hold on my life tormented me hour by hour.

I struggled with more than overeating, I was obsessed with food. I worshiped it.  I thought about it all day long. The amount and quality of my food often determined my happiness. Many times I would wake up in the morning and the very first thing I would think about was what I planned to eat that day.

For several years now I have not had to struggle in that same way, since cultivating a desire for healthy food.  I have learned to listen to my body, a healthy body craves the nutrients it is lacking.  I believe we were intelligently designed to know exactly what we need for good health, all that is required is the ability to make the choice.

My emotions this week have brought those past memories to the surface, the challenges I faced.  The guilt I felt.  How ridiculous it sounds now that something as simple as food could completely alter my mood.  I allowed my joy to come from circumstances.  And in many ways, I still do.

This week I have been reflecting on all of that and applying it to my attitude each day.  I have no reason not to be happy, life is good, I can run and breathe and laugh, I am surrounded by wonderful people.  But many times I simply do not make the choice to be happy.  The choice to wake up and decide that this morning, I will be happy.  Even if it’s early, and cold, and dark.  I will still choose happiness.

Happiness can be a choice.  When blessings are hard to see and our problems are bigger than the moon, it can still be a choice.  And the strength to make that choice comes from Him who tells us to find joy in all things.  Even the hard things.

~ James 1:2 ~

- {Journey of Thanks} Week Five -

Tags

food sensitivities, thanksgiving

Kamut.  A rarely used flour that granted me an “almost pancake” experience for breakfast.  Not my favorite, but it will surely do!

- Searching for Health and Wellness -

Tags

diet, food sensitivities, LEAP program

This is how I spent my weekend.

For many, many years I have been in search of good health.  I’m blessed to have a fully functioning body but often struggle with annoying aches and pains in several different areas.  I have seen every type of doctor or specialist imaginable, but no one has been able to diagnose the cause.  Medicine has a very important role in our world, but I am also a big believer in healing through diet and lifestyle changes.  And until I know the causes of said symptoms, I am hesitant put chemicals in my body that I may react negatively to.  Thus, I have been researching and experimenting on my own for several years to try to find a solution.  My goal is to gain whole health – that my body, mind, and spirit would be working together to the highest potential in the way God intended when He created man.

Today, that solution looks like eliminating all but 22 foods from my diet! Recently, I found information about a highly accurate food sensitivity test called Mediator Release Testing.  So when I discovered a specialist in our area, I made an appointment and within a few days I was having four vials of blood drawn and shipped off to a lab in Florida.  *For those who like to know the technical details – at the lab the scientists add a sample of a food or a commonly used additive to my blood and measure the level of reaction caused.  The more highly my immune system reacts to the food, the more likely it is that those foods are responsible for the symptoms I have been having.

This is why my diet now consists of 22 foods.  The scientists that do the testing have also set up a program to help the body heal by removing the foods that it is reacting to.  I will be able to slowly add in new foods after a period of time.  For now, I will be dreaming up new recipes to make using only beef, pork, tuna, green peas, green peppers, onions, lima beans, rice, quinoa, strawberries, mangoes, grapefruit, almonds, milk, cocoa, maple syrup, and a few other flavor enhancers.

It might be fun.  It will likely be miserable.  It is day two and I am already craving sushi and french fries.

But I’m hopeful for good results.  And I am hopeful to learn some lessons in gratitude.  I have plenty of food to eat, and if I go hungry simply because I do not have enough variety, that’s a good sign I need to sit down and have a heart to heart with the One who supplies all my needs.

- {Journey of Thanks} Week Four -

A comfy place to lay when defeated by nagging sinus pains.  Thankful to finally be feeling better!

- {Journey of Thanks} Week Three -

Tags

thanksgiving

Morning sunlight.  I am usually gone before the sun is fully risen each morning, but on Sundays I get to soak it up.